


[Podfic] Greetings From Night Vale - The Opera House

by Schalakitty



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Fake Episode, Gen, Podfic, Podfic Length: 20-30 Minutes, Spoilders for episode 33 Cassette, Spoilers for episode 32 Yellow Helicopters, Typical Night Vale Weirdness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-30
Updated: 2013-10-30
Packaged: 2017-12-30 23:35:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1024721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schalakitty/pseuds/Schalakitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard Burton, host of Greetings From Night Vale, reports on the day's news including opening night at the Night Vale Opera House. Plus your weekly horoscopes and a call for new interns at Night Vale Community Radio.</p>
            </blockquote>





	[Podfic] Greetings From Night Vale - The Opera House

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**Length:** 21:59

**Download and Streaming at Box.Com:[MP3 (50.4MB)](https://app.box.com/s/6w92g8hyya3n0eenpvlk)**  
  
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**Transcript:**

Hi, this is Schala-Kitty, the writer and performer of this podfic, Greetings from Night Vale – The Opera House. 

I just wanted to make a quick note about the continuity for all of you listeners and readers out there. This story is set during the flashbacks from Cassette, sometime after Cecil has begun interning but before whatever terrible business happened with the flickering movement. It also heavily references Old Woman Josie's past as mentioned in Yellow Helicopters. With the assumption that Cecil G. Palmer is 35 in 2013, this story is set 20 years ago in 1993. I did my best to keep any time-specific references consistent with that year. 

Thanks to my girlfriend Orin and my dad – both Night Vale fans as well – for encouraging me to put this together and thanks to all of you for listening. 

And now to hand the mic over to Leonard. 

 

Every sssecond, the universe becomes more chaotic. Entropy is inescapable. Greetingsss from Night Vale!

 

Sssad news for pizza lovers here in Night Vale. Last night, the Pizza Hut, the one sole remaining bastion of the mighty pizza chains, was suddenly engulfed in a bright blue blaze. It was a truly beautiful sssight like witnessing the birth of a new star – save for all of the screaming from the immolated minimum wage workers. It is unknown how this happened as many magical anti-arson wards had been set up inside the Pizza Hut in wake of the fires that ravaged the Domino's and Peter Piper Pizza. 

Still no word from the Sheriff’s Sssecret Police if the fire was actually arson or merely one of the many freak accidents that makes our town such an exciting place to live. However, I'm happy to assure you, citizens, that Big Rico's – Night Vale's newest and most inferno free pizza place – is open and offering their affordable and scrumptious Rico Slices. No one does a ssslice like Big Rico. No one.

 

In arts and entertainment news, it is opening night for the new ssseason of the Night Vale Opera House. Chairwoman Josie is promising another year of thrilling shows, beautiful music, and elaborate death scenes at the jewel of our little city. They're kicking off this season with the opera classic, _Carmen_ , starring soprano Perdita X. Nitt in the title role with special guest star Ferdinand Garcia as a rampaging bull. 

A few tickets are remaining for anyone willing to preform the ritual sssacrifice required in the opera's blood stone circle. And just a reminder to all attending tonight to dress to the nines! That means top hats and ball gowns for everyone. I've already picked out my best feathered top hat and a chic sleevelesssss sssilver dress for the premiere.

Let's see Donald Carlsburg try to out shine me this time. I think NOT, Donald. 

 

And now, a word from our sponsor.

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Right now the future is one step ahead of you.  
Right now the past is breathing down your neck.  
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Right now you're wondering why you can't see anything.

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Unendingly clear and open and vast, spreading out before and around and through you, spreading further than the mind could ever hope to grasp.

It's clearly unique.  
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Crystal Pepsi. 

 

And now for your weekly horoscope. 

Aries – You'll start the week off vibrating with excitement which will continually escalate until your heart gives out from your excessively emotional state.

Taurus – I foresee problems. So many problems. So very, very many problems. 

Gemini – Cats! Cats cats, cats cats cats. Cats cats. Cats cats CAAAAAAAATSSSSSSSSS. cats.

Cancer – Your physical health will take a turn for the worse as you start slowly mutating into a giant crustacean. 

Leo – Look in your mailbox. You've just won a new Phillips CD-i!

Virgo – Don't. Just curl into the fetal position now and save yourself the trouble. 

Libra – Feel free to mix up your fashion choices this week. Get a little bold. A little daring. A little homicidal. 

Scorpio – Your curse from last week will be lifted, but only temporarily since you are still a horrible person who no one will ever love. 

Sagittarius – You've still got the magic. And ssso much coleslaw. Is that actually too much coleslaw? No, that's just enough coleslaw. 

Capricorn - If you are in possession of candlesticks, a microphone cord and a rubber mat, absolutely do not under any circumstances attempt to use those objects to make a defibrillator. It won't work. It just won't. It is a stupid idea.

Aquarius – This isn't even a thing any more. Just insert whatever comes to mind. 

Pisces – Neptune is moving in your favor. Now is the time to crush your enemies and drink heavily of their blood. 

This has been your weekly horoscopes. 

 

Oh, Intern Cecil has just handed me a note about tonight's Opera House premiere. Thank you, Cecil.

Apparently, there are signs of a small puppy infestation in the prop storage room. Nothing too ssserious, but they did eat through part of the scenery for the ancient amphitheater used in Act 4. Oh, and they also mauled the understudy for Escamillo, but at least the actual actor is okay. 

Chairwoman Josie is currently putting out the call for volunteers to help deal with the problem. Right now, she is offering a seat in her private box to whoever can remove the most puppies. She also reached out to Monica Burton of the Night Vale Zoo for her expert advice as our fair city's loveliest and most charming zoologist. 

And yes, I can hear the complaints from you and Station Management already - “Leonard, we know you love your wife but do you have to refer to her that way every single time you mention her?” The answer, as always dear citizens, is yessss. 

Anyway, Monica took out some of her precious time spent helping to rehabilitate gout-stricken monkeys to weigh in on the puppy infestation. She recommended using humane smart traps baited with tennis balls and Beggin' Strips so the puppies could be safely relocated to a more convenient location. 

Might I suggest the Desert Bluffs Variety Play House? I think a few dozen puppies would really ssspice up their most likely shoddy and uninspired production of the musical _How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying._

Hopefully, the puppies will soon be properly handled and it will be on with the show at the Night Vale Opera House! 

 

It is my honor to announce that Night Vale Community Radio is now accepting applications for new interns. 

I must admit that I was a bit hesitant to bring guileless and unskilled workers into our organization, but ever since Intern Cecil started, things have been going so much sssmoother. It is just so nice to have someone around with such boundless enthusiasm for radio as well as multiple limbs.

And as much as I hate to say it, I know that I am getting up there in age, that I've ssslithered over the hill as it were. So I've decided to make it my mission to insure the quality of this radio station for years to come, even after my retirement, by taking in those young persons so eager to learn. Human youth are the human future after all! Though of course, Night Vale Community Radio has a strong anti-discrimination policy and acceptsss applicants of all races, genders, orientations, and species. 

Submit your application today by tossing it into the cold wind of the desert night as you howl at the full moon. 

 

I fear that I have an update on the Opera House story, citizens. 

It seems that the ssscale of the infestation is a great deal larger than first reported. As in, the puppies are currently working their way through the Opera House's infrastructure and have begun to spill forth into the orchestra pit. And the balcony. And the lobby. 

I mean, I'm sure it's not a total lossss. Surely, something can still be done, right? 

N-no, I have just been informed that nothing can be done. That the Opera House and all within it are doomed to a cute and fluffy demise. 

Currently, opera patrons and performers alike are rushing to flee their impeding deaths, looking quite elegant as they claw their way past both each other and the rising tide of puppies. In the midst of his escape, the puppies have torn off Atticus Vansten's diamond ssstudded ball gown and are now wearing the tattered shreds themselves in a mockery of our city's wealthiest – and thus most praise-worthy – citizen.

This is such a tragedy - so many beautiful top hats have been ruined! Not to mention all the people mauled and crushed in the under unending onslaught of tiny canines. 

O-oh masters of us all... 

With the doors to the Opera House left wide open, the puppies are now rushing out into the ssstreets of Night Vale, threatening to leave yet more destruction in their wake. They're already moving on to other buildings, yapping and frolicking through the city and striking terror in the hearts of all who witness their rampage. I urge you, all of you dear brave citizens, if you cannot help us beat back this menacing infestation, then barricade yourselves in your underground Street Cleaning Day bunkers and break out your emergency supplies of pain and memory suppressing alcohol. 

[sounds of puppies in the background]

I fear that the worst has happened, citizens. The puppies have made their way through our barricades and into the ssstation! 

[sounds of puppies growing louder]

I cannot just sit idly by at this microphone and watch as my beloved Night Vale Community Radio falls to this infestation! I know what I must do. What we all must do to sssave our city!

[endless puppy sounds]

Cecil, grab your crossbow and get under the table. Defend this booth with all that you have as I take us now to The Weather!

 

The Weather – "The Prelude" from _Carmen_ , preformed by the London Symphony Orchestra.

 

And now I have finally returned to the mic. Thank you for your patience, citizens. 

I'm afraid the situation warrants a little lessss professionalism than normal as I lost my glasses in the chaos and had my tie shredded by the puppies. Plus, I couldn't possibly get all of me back in the booth given my present engorged state. In fact, most of me is currently winding through the corridors of the station and I'm pretty sure my tail is still outside but no matter - I am back here with you now, dear citizens of Night Vale.

When faced with wave upon relentless wave of puppies, I knew I had to make use of my talents beyond being our community's beloved mild-mannered radio presenter. As I am also reigning champion of the Annual Goat Devouring Contest, I knew it was my duty to put my prodigious eating abilities to work and help save the town from this terrifying menace.

Thus, I unhinged my jaw and began ssswallowing every last puppy I could stuff into my mouth. Not something I would recommend to the amateur glutton – I've had years of practice in eating excessively large meals and am quite amply endowed in terms of stomach capacity after all.

But even someone as ravenous as me required help given the sheer amount of puppies we were dealing with. Thankfully, Bernice McDaniels and her son Hiram arrived on the ssscene and joined me in my valiant efforts, both of them gobbling up puppies with their many heads. I have to give them credit for flame-broiling whole swathes of puppies and making them far more digestible in the process. 

Raw puppy is an acquired taste – I usually prefer mine cooked in some capacity. I mean, just because I eat gargantuan half-ton meals doesn't mean I'm not a gourmand at heart. If the fate of the town had not been at stake, I really would've preferred some barbeque pit style slow sssmoked puppy. 

Mmm, pulled puppy sandwiches drenched in barbeque sauce and served with piles of coleslaw and heaping plates of seasoned french fries.... Oh, it all sounds delightful, even if I literally don't think I could eat another puppy for a week. Still, get on that, restauranteurs of Night Vale! 

Oh... ah.. yes, where was I? 

It was a spectacular display of camaraderie as seemingly all of Night Vale joined in to battle the infestation in whatever way they knew how. Mayor Regina Darzi did an admirable job of draining the life force out of hundreds of puppies, ensuring her youthful appearance remains intact for another year. Even the Hooded Figures took part, shoveling puppies into the fathomless depths we assume to contain faces and possibly mouths. 

And of course, Intern Cecil was very brave to hold down the fort here at the station for me. So thoughtful too - cleaning all the puppy corpses out of the booth and bringing them down to the Eternal Animal Pyre in Mission Grove Park so I could resume the broadcast. 

I'm just so proud of how we pulled together, dear citizens!

 

But now is the time to reflect and rebuild. 

Certainly, I could fill the airwaves with yet more flowery prose or pithy quotes about how the show will go on or how all the world's a stage, but that would be a shallow disservice to the people who lost their lives and livelihoods tonight in the fall of the Opera House. Especially at a time when the artsss and theater already feel neglected in our increasingly distracted lives. 

Instead, I request that all of you out there listening right now, please give your time and efforts to helping Chairwoman Josie and the Opera House rebuild. Donations are already being collected and volunteers are needed immediately. Let's work together – just as we did to stop the puppy onslaught – to bring back the magic and wonder that only exists in the ethereal world of the theater. 

And speaking of work, I'm afraid mine is over with for this evening. Thank you once again, all of you dear citizens who invite me into your lives and welcome my voice into your ears and heartsss. 

Oh and Cecil? You did a great job today! Feel free to take the rest of the night off. Just call Monica and tell her I won't be home for a few days. At least not until all the bones have dissolved. 

Anyway, stay tuned next for the sound of me quietly napping, occasionally hissssing in my sleep, as I digest a distended belly full of puppies. 

Sssee ya, Night Vale. Sssee ya!

 

Greetings from Night Vale – The Opera House is a fan production inspired by Welcome to Night Vale, a production of Commonplace Books. It was written and edited by Schala-Kitty with additional writing and editing by Wicked Orin. The voice of Leonard Burton is Schala-Kitty. 

This production's Weather was The Prelude from Carmen, preformed by the London Symphony Orchestra. The background music includes selections from Chopin's Preludes, Borodin's Petite Suite, Haydn's Piano Sonata in F Major, Hoboken 9, and Clementi's Sonatina Opus 36 No. 4. All are available for free at [Piano-Midi.de](http://www.piano-midi.de/). All sound effects come from [FreeSFX.co.uk.](http://www.freesfx.co.uk/)

If you liked Schala's work and wish to see more, visit her personal tumblr at [SchalaHasFun.Tumblr.Com](http://schalahasfun.tumblr.com/). Remember to support Welcome to Night Vale via donations and gratuitous purchases of merchandise. 

Today's Proverb – Let your imagination run wild. Let your imagination bare its fangs and claws. Let your imagination prey upon weaker thoughts and notions.


End file.
